Life's Not Meant to be Expendable
by Redzy
Summary: The one thing I had always prided myself in was making the most out of life. Living on the edge. Not living with regret.But now, for the first time in my entire life, I am filled with regret. Not by what I have done, but what I have failed to do.


Title: **Life's not meant to be expendable**

A/N- Hi everyone! It's yet another fic. This one is from Lorelai's point of view. Shows that  
"Partings" needed to happen, it was the end result to Lorelai's reaction to the "April situation" as I would like to call it. I hated Parting as much as the next fan but- it was realistic. It shows that whenever life get bad for Lorelai, she goes back to the one person who helped her begin to ruin it.(But she fixed her mistake. Aka Rory) Chris had made a mistake back then too, but he never did anything about it, he never fixed his mistake in the first place. Please review. Song is by **Mudvayne **called **"Rain. Sun. Gone." Enjoy. **

So far  
Left with nothing  
Hanging by a memory  
No stars  
To give me one wish  
So lost in the dark  
Feels like I'm caving in from the outside  
All right  
All wrong

The one thing I had always prided myself in was making the most out of life. Living on the edge. Not living with regret. I had dealt with regret in my life. I should regret what I did twenty some years ago, but I never do because all I have too do is look at the result of it. And what's there to regret? I don't see anything. Maybe I need my eyes checked but I don't think so.

But now, for the first time in my entire life, I am filled with regret.

See you again  
So long  
Nothing matters anymore at all  
Nothing matters anymore

It all started about a year ago.

Rory had been hit hard, metaphorically speaking, by a man named Mitchum Huntzburger. He had told her that she didn't have what it takes to be a journalist. I hate him to this very day because of what that little speech made her do.

Life's not meant to be disposable  
Lost. Found. Dead.  
Ready and willing  
Can't stop the bleeding  
Life's not meant to be expendable

Rory then proceeded to steal a boat with her boyfriend Logan, the son of that wretched Mitchum. They unfortunately got caught. It didn't take Rory that long to realize they extend of her actions. Once she did she was hysterical. Truly running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to fix it. When really the situation was all ready too far gone.

Rain. Sun. Gone.  
Left robbed unwilling  
Can't fight the feeling

I had gone to my parents after I had heard her talking about quitting school. I know this was not Rory talking to this day I still think an alien inhabited her small porcelain body. For the first time in my life so far, I had thought Richard and Emily were going to support me. But no they didn't, just like always.

Rory then moved into the Pool house of my parent house. I remember the night it happened. She was already there putting stuff away and unpacking her boxes. Then the look happened. She gave me this look. A look that said, 'I have no clue what I am doing at this moment, I just want some time.' The look was desperate.

So I left.

I went to Luke's after that. I explained the situation to him. And being the caring person her was, started to ramble on about how they were going keep Rory at Yale at all costs.

So low  
Overwhelming  
Clinging to a tragedy  
So clear  
Hear weeping voices

It was then I realized it. That Luke was the only person in my life that was always as steady as a rock. The only time I had seen him broken in half was when Jess, his punk nephew, told him he wasn't wanted. When Luke had told me what Jess had said, something went off in my head. I couldn't believe anyone had said something like that to Luke. My Luke.

So I made a decision that moment. Those words came out of my mouth. "Luke will you marry me?" And that sad part is I knew he would say yes. I knew because he had been waiting for me for almost nine years. The man has more patience that a lion has when waiting to pounce on a prey.

Tears fall in the dark  
Feels like I'm carving in from the outside  
So lost. So gone. So wrong.

Then we had happiness for while. But still knowing it wasn't total.

Rory she was still missing. So i waited. Luke was in total agreement. Rory is always first on my list. on his too. I don't was to push her. So i waited.

When we finally did get back together, everything was perfect.

Life's not meant to be disposable  
Lost. Found. Dead.  
Ready and willing  
Can't stop the bleeding

The it all came crashing down when another piece of information was uncovered.

Like had a daughter. A daughter named April. It wasn't the part that he had a daughter that cut the deepest. It was when he kept it from me that he really hurt me. It was slowly killing me inside actually. But, this explanation isn't good enough to justify what I did because of it, not even close.

Life's not meant to be expendable  
Rain. Sun. Gone.  
Left robbed unwilling  
Can't fight the feeling

I had issued him an ultimatum because he had wanted push the wedding back, reassuring me countless times that the wedding was going to happen. I realized now that it wasn't an unreasonable request, he wanted to get to know his daughter. I try to convince myself that I would have reacted differently, that I would have reacted better if I was put in the same situation but I know I wouldn't have.

In my life, my daughter always comes first.

Why did I expect it to be any different for him?

Why did I have to be so selfish?

It's never ending  
Never goes away  
But you did  
It's never ending  
Never goes away  
But you did...  
Why

What did I do? I slept with Chris.

The body's just a vehicle to hold  
Until we find another space  
Find another place  
To start this over  
The enemy

I don't really have anything left now. If I tell Luke now I will truly kill him. This was his worst fear from the start and I confirmed it. Which was the last thing I wanted to do.

The action I can't condone  
Do you suffer with me  
Can I give you my loss  
To feel  
To hold close  
Can I give you my pain

I should have worked harder to get into his life. I should have told him what I was feeling. I should have made more of an effort to be involved with April. Anna was right.

To feel  
To be eaten alive by  
Conscience  
Suffer  
Fucking suffer  
Suffer like me

Smiling is a thing of the past. I don't have the right to smile. I hate myself. I ruined one of the most important things in my life. It's worst that when Chris slept with me while he was with Sherry. I want Luke. I want to be with him more than anything in the world.

Life's not meant to be disposable  
Lost. Found. Dead.  
Ready and willing  
Can't stop the bleeding

But it's too Late. I hear the door bell ring. Don't want to get up to answer it but whoever it is won't stop so I pull myself up. I open the door. I see the one thing I thought I wouldn't even again. I thought I would never see it again after I told Luke about Christopher.

Life's not meant to be expendable  
Rain. Sun. Gone.

Luke kisses me.

But then I wake up. A horrible dream that will never cease to remind me of what I have done. The ever-lasting nightmare will never go away. I don't deserve it to.

Left robbed unwilling  
Can't fight the feeling

Maybe the only thing I regret is not being strong headed enough to keep the man I would die for.

**Life's not meant to be expendable.**

Too bad I realized it too late.

**_Rain. Sun.Gone. _**


End file.
